What if instead of killing myself,
I got killed trying to stop those who  
couldn’t stop themselves from doing    
what I did?                            
     What if I did that instead?       
     Wouldn’t that make the world a    
whole lot better place, a whole lot    
better than just killing myself would? 
     Of course, saving animals was the 
most logical place to start. I’d rather
die for that instead and almost have,  
many, many times. Sometimes by my own  
impulsive actions, like running across 
the highway to save a bird, and almost 
getting run over by a big ole semi.    
     My survival instinct is unbeliev- 
able, but none of it will ever, ever,  
make up for what I did. None of it.    
     Not even what I did today, but    
back then, I thought that maybe some-  
* day, I’ll be able to live with who and   
what I was and not feel like suicide   
was always my first best option.       
     It wasn’t something that I really 
deserved, but the animals sure in hell 
did. My life for theirs seemed like the
perfect swap.                          
     What was maddening was that while 
I was trying to figure out how to save 
animals, my first obsession was still  
working overtime trying to get me to do
another one.                           
     It was like being in a fucking tug
of war with myself.                    
     The Darkness waited patiently on  
one side, while my fantasies pushed me 
from the other. It knew that someday,  
I’d cross it, and then it’d be time to 
fuck with the Criminal again.          
     Then, I had a brilliant idea.     



CHAPTER 1: WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15th
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