from:
AmyStrange & the Criminal
The WEDDING
by Dave Ayotte
Saturday, November 8th
7:36 pm (dictated 8:59 am, Mar 24)
Ok, here goes nothing.
Right after the surprise in
Seattle, and after Mouse parked the
Mobile, I cornered Randy and asked him
the most obvious question.
“Are we like FBI now or what?”
“Well, kind of...”
“What do you mean kind of? We are,
or we aren’t. Which is it?”
“It’s kind of complicated...”
“Do we also get to meet the
President?” I asked.
“I’m not sure exactly...”
“Jesus, Randy, you’re a whole lot
of fucking help,” I laughed.
Zack heard me and came over to
clarify things.
“To put it simply, Crim, you’re
consultants and not really part of the
FBI, but you do work for the govern-
ment. You get all the same benefits,
and you do get Cred Packs, but we’re
the ones that are going to pay you.
Now, does that make sense?”
“Who’s our boss?” I asked,
forgetting about our vote earlier.
“I am,” Randy answered, finally
getting his voice back, “and from now
on, our number one rule will be that no
one else gets to know that Amy can
talk. Too many people know already, and
that’s just too dangerous for her.”
“You’re not gonna have us all
whacked are you?”
Both Randy and Zack laughed, but
then Randy got a thoughtful look.
“It would solve a lot of
problems.”
“Come on, you’re kidding, right?”
“Of course I’m kidding. What kind
of psycho cop do you think I am
anyway?”
“You’re inside a fucking Mobile
that can turn invisible, and also
hooking up with a freakin’ talking Cat.
How much more psycho can you get?” I
had to add.
“I heard that,” the Cat said.
She was sitting on Darryl’s
shoulder, trying to balance herself,
while also giving me the business.
I could’ve just reached over and
easily pushed her off his shoulder, but
before I could even finish thinking
about it, Darryl turned to see what all
the ruckus was about, and by then, I
was too busy staring at Beth.
She was in the kitchen with Pee
Wee, Mouse, and Jack, talking with Rico
on a live feed, and he was telling them
how the business was doing.
Beth saw me staring at her and
came over to kiss me.
“This is so exciting, but you know
I’ll have to go back in January for
school.”
“If I have to tie you up and drive
you back there myself, yeah, you’re
going back. Getting your degree is way
more important, and I don’t know how,
but I’ll manage somehow.”
“You’re coming back in March, for
the Wedding, right?” she asked with a
worried look that almost broke my
heart.
“How could you even ask that?” I
answered back, because there was no way
in hell I was gonna miss out on
marrying my dream girl, and she smiled
back.
“Good, because I’ve already called
Alicia, and boy was she mad.”
“Why? What’d you say?”
“She was faking it, babe, but I
could tell she wasn’t happy about it.”
“Happy about what? Come on, tell
me,” I said in a whiny, baby voice.
“Well, I told her that... of
course, you’re quitting right?”
“We’ve got more than four million
in the bank. We’re almost working with
the FBI and a talking Cat to boot. I
think not quitting would be stupid, but
what exactly did you tell her?”
“Just that you’re quitting, but
how come you didn’t tell her we were
getting married?”
“Well, because lately, you’ve been
the one talking to her more than me,” I
answered lamely.
She rolled her eyes, “Anyway,
after I invited her, she stopped
pretending to be mad,” and almost like
an afterthought, added, “I also talked
to Denise, and Desi wants to be one of
your Best Men. She promised to dress up
like Ricky Ricardo and everything.”
“Best Men?” I had to ask.
“Oh yeah, didn’t I tell you? I’m
gonna have four best girls, maid of
honors, bridesmaids or whatever, Terry,
Denise, GiGi and Mouse. Rhonda and
Stephanie want to be flower girls, and
Barry’s gonna give me away,” she said,
and then added quickly, “You can have
four also. Pee Wee, Darryl, Randy, and
Desi. It’s perfect.”
I wanted to argue with her, but I
actually liked the idea.
Before I could say anything more
than, “I like it,” the Cat jumped from
Darryl’s shoulder to mine.
“You guys better invite me,” she
said and walked from one side to the
other before staring me in the face,
and then smiling.
Up close, it looked even creepier,
almost downright scary as hell.
“Stop it. It’s worse when you’re
up close. Of course, you’re invited,” I
said, and then even louder, added,
“Everyone here is invited to our
Wedding, even Rico’s invited.”
Rico heard his name and looked
around the room before giving us a
thumbs-up. He went back to talking to
Pee Wee, and I looked back at the Cat.
She was gone. How does she do that? I
didn’t even feel her jump down.
Darryl was talking to Randy and
Zack about our benefits, and also, “I’d
rather not meet the man. I definitely
don’t need the publicity.”
“The President agrees with you,
but he does want to meet Amy,” Randy
said, and then looked around.
“By the way, where is she?”
Probably getting sauced, I
thought, but instead replied, “Probably
in the Computer Room,” waited a couple
seconds, and then added, “I agree with
Dr. D. I definitely don’t need the
publicity either.”
“Well, la dee da to you,” Beth
said with a pout. “How often do you get
to meet the President of the United
States? I wouldn’t miss it for the
world.”
“I might be able to get you in as
her handler,” Randy said thoughtfully,
and then went off to find the Cat.
“Yay!” she yelled and grabbed me.
We twirled around a couple times, and
then she pushed me away.
“I get to meet the President, and
you don’t. Cha, cha, cha and ha, ha, ha
to you, boy.”
“I like it when you’re like that,”
I told her, “It makes me happy too.”
Her pout was back. “Come on. It’s
no fun if you don’t even get just a
little bit jealous.”
I pulled a Richard Nixon. Shook my
head, my jaw and everything else,
“Ooooh, I am so jealous right now. I
can’t even spit crooked!”
“There ya go,” she laughed, and we
did the twirly thing again.
Everyone crowded around us and
clapped when we finished.
Randy had to push his way in,
before telling Beth, “I think we can
work something out. We could sneak her
in, and not to get all sexist, but a
woman with a Cat will look more
natural. All we’ll need is a good cover
story.”
“Something to do with animals, and
if Barry and Terry come along...” Beth
started to say, and then her eyes got
wide, “Oh shit! A banquet honoring
Veterinarians and the President could
speak...”
“That’s actually a really good
idea, but let’s talk about that later.
We’ve got some unfinished business to
take care of first.”
Beth stopped dancing.
“What do you mean?”
“A friend of mine told me about
this shooting range near here, and you
and I are going out there right now.”
Her face dropped, “Oh no.”
“Don’t tell me you’re gonna back
down?”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just...”
she said with a sad smile, and then
just shook her head.
“Let’s just get this over with,
ok?”
Randy asked to see her guns, and
she handed them over.
He was surprised at where they
were hidden but got serious when he
checked them out. I didn’t have a clue
as to what in the hell he was doing,
but it was obvious that he did.
After a couple minutes, he gave
one of them back to her, and then
seemed to weigh the other one in his
hand.
“Nice balance and almost as deadly
accurate as it’s bigger cousin, but
easier to hide. It fits you somehow,
Beth, although it’s not a woman’s first
choice.
“Last I remember,” he said
thoughtfully, “the snub .38 was at the
top of that list somewhere.”
“That’s probably true,” Mouse
said, and then added, “As a matter of
fact, it’s what I carry in my cab.”
Jack wanted to know what was going
on, and even though I felt bad for
Beth, I couldn’t stop smiling and
explained what she was gonna do,
finishing with, “and she’s got the
fastest draw you’ll ever see, or not
see.”
“She’s going to do this blind-
folded?” Zack asked with astonishment,
and then added, “I’m sorry, but I don’t
believe it. Even without a blindfold,
that’s impossible. No one can shoot
like that. Even the best sharpshooter
in the world can’t do it, because if
you’re off by just a hair of a
millimeter, at fifty meters, that’ll
throw your bullet way off.”
I just smiled right along with Pee
Wee, Mouse and Darryl. We’d already
seen her do exactly what I said she’d
do, but as the Cat came trotting back
to join us, I had to add, “You mean
impossible, like talking Cat
impossible, or just your plain everyday
impossible, like magic or predicting
the future?”
I looked at Randy before saying
that last part, but he just shook his
head, put his hands up and said, “Call
me a skeptic if you want, but I’ve
still got to see this, and if she’s as
good as you say, it’ll be good to
know.”
“No sweat buddy, you’ll see it,”
I told him.
The Cat wanted to know, “What’s
going on?”
` I told her, and she nodded her
head, “I have no doubt that she can do
it. Beth’s a very special person.”
“I don’t know, Amy,” Jack said.
“I’ve actually studied the problem, and
even her heartbeat can throw the shot
off, never mind the recoil. The odds
are really stacked against her.”
“Well, we could talk about this
all day,” the Cat said, “or we could
just get this show on the road and
prove it.”
And on that note, I secured the
Mobile, and then we were gone, except
for the Cat.
She decided to stay behind and
guard her dwindling supply of liquor.
“How much do you have left?” I
asked.
“I’m down to my last two cases.”
“Jesus, Cat, you make it sound
like you’re almost out,” I said, and
then opened my backpack, tapped it a
couple times, and in baby talk, said,
“Come on, kitty. Let’s go for a ride,
kitty. Come on, kitty.”
“Oh, can that shit,” the Cat said
in disgust, and then headed back into
the Computer Room.
Once outside, Randy got behind the
wheel, and Pee Wee took the shotgun
side.
The rest of us climbed into the
back, and surprisingly enough, it was
quite comfortable.
If this had been a normal SUV, it
would’ve been crowded, but instead of
one, there were two back seats, and
they faced each other.
On the way, Jack kept explaining
how impossible all this was, but I just
smiled, and Beth kept staring blankly
out the window.
When we got there, Randy explained
to the guy behind the counter what the
circumstances were and even threw his
buddies name in.
“Yeah, I remember Spunky. How’s
he doing?”
“He’s married, with a kid on the
way. Can you believe it?” Randy
replied, and then got back on track by
adding, “So, what do you think? Can we
get this done or not?”
“I don’t know,” the guy said.
“She might kill someone if she’s
wearing a blindfold, especially if
you’re going to spin her around like a
top.”
Zack plunked ten, one hundred-
dollar bills down on the counter, and
asked, “Does this help any?”
The guy looked at the money
hungrily, but still shook his head.
There was a display of dark
sunglasses on the counter, and Randy
grabbed one.
“How about if she just wears these
instead?”
The guy thought about it for a
minute, and then grabbed the money.
“That’ll work.”
The guy followed us inside, and
then warned everyone about what was
about to go down.
They just laughed, and someone
even hollered, “For Christ sake, Joe.
She’s just a girl.”
I could tell that got Beth mad,
and through gritted teeth, she asked
the counter guy, “How far away can you
put that target?”
“A hundred yards is the max,” he
answered.
“Do it,” she said, and everyone
laughed even louder.
He held up the undamaged target,
and when it reached the very far end of
the range, everyone got silent and
waited.
Beth put the glasses on, and I
spun her around.
She stopped herself, fired four
rounds, spun herself halfway around
again, flipped the guns, and fired
four more rounds backwards.
Her guns disappeared, and then she
slowly took the glasses off.
While waiting for the target to
return, everyone talked excitedly about
how fast she was, but that turned into
stunned silence when Joe held it up.
“All eight shots form a perfect
circle around dead center,” he said,
and then shook his head, before adding,
“You can actually see each entry point,
and I still can’t believe it. Do you
mind if I keep this?”
She nodded, I gave her a hug,
everyone started cheering, and she did
something that she never did when she
was putting on one of these displays.
She smiled, and I yelled, “My girl
is better than all us guys put
together,” and she hugged me again.
“I still don’t like doing these
things,” she said to me quietly, “but
that guy really pissed me off.”
“I don’t blame you,” Randy said
and shook Beth’s hand, “and for the
record, I’m glad I was wrong.
Especially since it put that asshole in
his place.”
Some of the other guys came over
to congratulate Beth, and one of them
was a woman.
“I’m Priscilla, and that was my
husband with the big mouth,” she said
and gave Beth a hug.
“Never thought I’d see the day
that someone could shut him up. First
time in twenty years, but you did it,
and I thank you,” she added and gave
Beth another hug.
After Priscilla went back to
hubby, Mouse also gave her a hug and
with a wicked grin, said, “Guys like
that really make me sick... Oh, oh, big
boy at your six o’clock.”
Beth turned around, and this big
ol’ boy was stomping his way over to
her, and I swear to God, that’s what he
did, stomp.
He stopped, took the toothpick out
of his mouth, and offered Beth his
hand.
“I’m the loudmouth that my
Priscilla was talking about, and she
made me come over to apologize. Well, I
usually don’t apologize for shit like
this, and I don’t care if you’re a girl
or not, but anyone who can shoot like
that, deserves my respect, and I
apologize.”
“Thank you,” Beth said, and then
shook his hand, “I really appreciate
it.”
I could see Priscilla giving Beth
a thumbs-up, and I think her hubby also
saw it.
He let go of Beth’s hand.
“Yeah, well, I may be an asshole
sometimes, but I do love my little
Priscilla,” he said, put the toothpick
back, and then stomped away.
After hubby left, we all congratu-
lated Beth again, but Jack still
couldn’t believe it.
“That’s impossible,” he kept
saying and adding, “I saw it, but I
still can’t believe it.
“How do you do it?” he finally
asked.
“I don’t know really,” she
answered, and then added, “except I
just know where to aim. My brain must
be able to calculate it all out,
including the gravitational drop and
recoil affect. I just don’t know how
else I could be doing it either.”
“Maybe you’re some kind of
savant,” Zack said thoughtfully, and
then added, “except instead of playing
the piano, you play with guns.”
“Could be,” she said and shrugged
her shoulders. “I just don’t know what
else to say. It’s a mystery to me too.”
After that, Randy herded us all
back out to the SUV, and off we went
again.
When we got back to the Mobile,
the Cat asked how it went, and Jack
told her.
“I don’t know how she did it, and
I still can’t believe it, but she did
it.”
I told her about the asshole, and
she laughed.
“Humans,” she finally said, and
then added, “there’s a bad one in every
bunch, and I’m really surprised you all
haven’t blown yourselves to kingdom
come by now.”
“That’s because for every one of
him, there’s at least two just like
Miss Beth,” Darryl said, “and that’s
what really keeps us all going, I
think.”
Everyone thought about that for a
minute, while I had other things on my
mind.
“Why missing persons?” I asked
Jack. “I mean, there are a million
worthy causes that you could be
throwing your money at, the Humane
Society, ASPCA, Missing and Exploited
Children, Doctors Without Borders, but
instead, you chose missing persons, and
you also chose us. Why?”
“We also donate to them,” Jack
said after a minute, and then added,
“but this one’s personal.”
“Personal? How so?” Pee Wee asked.
“Our Mom disappeared when I was
ten,” Zack said with a sad look, “and
we don’t know what happened to her.”
That surprised me, because I
didn’t even know they were brothers,
but I did know what it was like to lose
your Mom, and so did Beth.
“What happened?” she asked.
“It was right after the Holidays,”
Jack said. “We’re filthy rich, but our
Mom still worked her job at the Mall.
That’s where our Dad met her. One night
she never came home. The police found
her car in the parking lot. The window
on the driver’s side was smashed, and
her purse was still in the front seat,
but they never found her.”
“She was parked too far away for
the security cameras to be of any help,
and all their leads kept going
nowhere,” Zack said, and then added,
“Eventually the cops gave up on it, but
our Dad never did. Up until the day he
died, he poured an obscene amount of
money into finding her, hiring more
than a couple dozen Private Detective
Agencies, but they never got anywhere
either.”
I had to replay that last part
because I wasn’t listening. My fantasy
world was giving me a front row seat to
what happened to her, and it was beyond
horrible. It included being sent
through a woodchipper, feet first,
while screaming babies were also being
thrown in with her.
Beth looked at me and instantly
knew what was going on. She hugged me
and asked, “Amy, can we borrow some of
your Jack?”
Amy didn’t even hesitate, “Help
yourself.”
Beth poured me the last shot, and
I said, “Thank you.”
Zack had a quizzical look on his
face and asked, “What’s that all
about?”
Beth explained my problem.
He shook his head. “That’s
terrible,” he said, and then added,
“I’m sorry for causing that.”
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault,
and besides, it’s what motivates me to
save animals. I just can’t handle
missing person details without it,” I
explained.
I looked around, and the Cat was
gone. She’s probably catching up on her
Jack Daniel’s deficiency and was about
to go join her when Randy got a call.
He listened for a few seconds,
pulled out a notebook and started
taking notes.
After asking a couple questions,
he said, “We’ll get right on it,” and
clicked off on the caller. He looked at
everyone.
“We’ve got our first case, but
we’re gonna have to literally fly
there. It’s down in Louisiana. A family
was out on a camping trip, when their
seven-year-old daughter disappeared.”
“How long’s she been missing?” I
asked.
“six hours, but she needs a
certain kind of medicine once a day, or
it’s hard for her to breathe.”
“We’ll fly you there,” Zack
offered, and then added, “It’s one of
your many perks.”
First, before we could go any-
where, we needed someone to drive the
Mobile down to Louisiana. Pee Wee and
Mouse offered to do just that. She knew
the area around Seattle better than
anybody, so she was the perfect choice,
and besides, she still had to stop in
and see Diesel Dog.
Next, we stopped off to see Pat
and Dave and tell them we were leaving.
I introduced them to everyone, and
Dave acted a little nervous around
Randy, but still wanted to know, “What
happened? Did you find your friends?”
Being my PO, Randy didn’t know
exactly why we’d driven to Seattle,
because I didn’t think it’d be a good
idea to tell him we were gonna be
helping a couple more talking Cats
escape, but now I didn’t care.
I gave Dave a quick rehash, and he
was impressed.
“Wow! The FBI and missing persons,
huh?” he said, and then added, “I’ve
also been involved with that and serial
killers for a few years now. As a
matter of fact, part of my website is
dedicated to that whole thing. If you
need any help, please, don’t hesitate
to ask.”
Everyone else was around the Cat.
Pat had kept his promise and was sober
enough to really talk seriously with
her.
Jack looked at his watch, and then
at Randy.
“I think we should be going.”
Randy nodded, and I told Dave, “I
might take you up on that,” and after
finally getting Pat and the Cat
separated, we were off to go find a
missing seven-year-old.
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READ Part 1 (The Escape) for FREE here:
http://www.atomadness.com/
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